Endless


 

I’ve been here for so long, watching, waiting for the best moment in which to go forwards, stepping away from the bleak shadowy fog where I have lived for many years. Move forwards into the light, to see smiling faces and happy voices as opposed to the monsters and nightmarish scowls from which I came.

They told me to wait here, you know… Who, you ask? THEM. The people who were here before, who are here now and who will be here forevermore. ‘Stay still’ they said. ‘Bide your time…If you go now, you’ll surely be killed’ Killed they said!. I’m sure you are as shocked as I was back then.

‘Why, that’s preposterous!’ I laughed. (How many  years ago this was, when I used to laugh so freely!). I surely believed they lied, for the light which I saw in the distance was so bright and warm, so inviting and alluring. How could something so pleasant lead to my death? But they were insistent.

‘Many people like you have travelled through here…some accidently, some for a thrill. They enter, but never leave. Heed our warning. If it leaves your body unmarked, then your soul will be destroyed instead’ Then they told me Tales of Old, of the Light’s cruel beauty and of her heartless ways.

 

Who knows how long I stayed there, growing more and more terrified of meeting such a fate. I promised Them, ‘I will wait…until the time is right’ and here I am, countless years have passed, and the Light is shining towards me stronger than ever. They whisper to me ‘do not slip, she is angry for have avoided her for so long. Such is her anger…who knows what will happen to you?’

Most days I wondered if They lie to me… in order to keep me here. Maybe something wondrous was inside the Light’s bright eye, and she shines so intensely to tell me ‘Come, come! There are better things for you here! I hold all your dreams and desires within’   And I imagined her voice to be oh-so-sweet, and soft, as if she is my mother, calling me to her breast. Yet I did not go. This crippling uncertainty gripped my heart and stilled my feet.

And so it went on, as I said before, for countless years. But one dull day, the Light stared straight at me, deep into my soul. I could no longer resist, it was as if she whispered directly to my secret self, and it took over my body. The being that is Fear took hold of heart, tighter than it ever had before, and I fell to my knees, struggling to breathe. I felt my chest tighten, and my vision became hazy…the light shimmered before me, stretching out a trembling hand to he, my world became dark… it felt as if death would come for me right there and then…

When there was a light! The brightest one I have ever seen, which forced my eyes open! Bright as it was, I was surprised to realise that I was not blinded. Looking down at the ground (for I was still on my knees), another shock, for there were two spots of light….that which had awoken me was from within! I could no longer feel Fear touching my heart and slowly stood up. As soon as I regained my balance, the light within me dimmed, and all was dull again, apart from the ever present beauty in the sky.

Reaching out once again, hand no longer shaking, it was as if I was truly touching her. Deep inside, I heard a voice. It said ‘go to her, she’s waiting’ and I knew what I had to do. I took a step forwards. Then another. And another, faster and faster, until I was sprinting through the trees, wind whipping through my hair, making it wave behind me. Upon reaching a small clearing, I collapsed to the floor, breathless. She looked no closer than before, but I was undeterred. Smiling, a dreamless sleep washed over me, and all was still once more.

When I awoke, no time was wasted, as I left straight away, following that seductive aura ahead. I climbed mountains, crossed rivers, crawled through mud for many days…well I say days, the sky was forever dark, except for her. I’m sure she was taunting me…so certain she was closer, but whenever I reached out to embrace her (for now she was like a mother to me) an irresistible wave of sleep overcame me, like a sudden rush of water in the sea. When I awoke, she was further away than ever. And so it went on. And on. And on…

 

One day – or night, who knows? – I climbed a mountain, which had a forest of trees all over. Fighting my way through, I came to the edge of a cliff. In the back of my mind, a feeling of déjà vu…maybe I had been here before? Impossible… As quickly as this feeling came, it was gone again, for I then felt her warm rays on my face, and I knew I could finally touch her.

Holding onto a nearby tree for support, I leaned forwards, inching closer and closer.. I surely would’ve fallen off the edge, but something wrapped its arms around me and pulled me back. Caught off guard, the mysterious being and I fell backwards onto the soft grass. I attempted to wriggle myself free of his unwanted grip, but the being only held on tighter.

All at once, a voice spoke to me from the darkness. A familiar voice. A voice which was not the same as that which I heard from within. Ceasing my struggles, I was forced to listen intensely, for the voice was quiet…it said…

‘Stay still. Bide your time. For if you move now, you will surely be killed…’

 

Fear, my old friend, kept his hold on me…

She, my tormentor, glinted and laughed at me…

They, my captors and protectors, recited tales of old…

I cried, bitter, wet tears…

I have been here for so long…

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